From: mark@...
I scoured the archive, but couldn't find any videos that address the
other salient points that should be driven home to con attendees
prior to departure:
1) People with facial hair and/or grey hair will NOT buy you
alcohol. Stop asking.
2) We're all very impressed that you took the time and effort
not only to shove bits of metal into various wobbly bits, but
feel the urge to walk around the con with those wobbly bits
exposed. Now go away.
3) Pupils are not supposed to be that size. Now go away.
4) If you insist on wearing full-body vinyl, leather, PVC, or
other typical pseudo-BDSM-gear, please do so in full view of
everyone. In fact, to save us the time and effort of following
you around, feel free to engage in five minutes' aerobic effort
out by the pool. We think people who give themselves heatstroke
are k3wl, but we're unwilling to shadow you half a day until it
occurs naturally.
5) Unless you're planning to scene for everyone, don't bother wearing
full-body vinyl, leather, PVC, or other typical pseudo-BDSM-gear.
Someone might get the wrong idea, and you'll have all sorts of
interesting scars (physical and emotional) to explain to your
classmates upon return to high school.
6) No, you may not have a copy of $TOOL_RUNNING_ON_MY_NOTEBOOK,
unless you've spent the past 20 minutes engaging me in
conversation that demonstrates:
a) You're doing something other than going person-to-person,
leeching tools from them,
b) You can carry on a conversation without the need to punctuate
every other word with words like, "like", "dude", or any
white-upper-middle-class-suburban ghettospeak,
c) Your remaining neurons have more than a passing familiarity
with one another, such that you might actually understand
what the tool is, how the tool works, and the ramifications
of using said tool.
7) Not every old person is a Fed. Not every young person is
unassociated with law enforcement.
8) If someone with a camera crew or pen and paper in-hand starts asking
you questions, keep your yap shut. Particularly if you don't fully
grok the implications (for yourself and others) of being quoted.
Media-whoring doesn't make you attractive or cool.
9) Why no, we don't find your power-chundering into the pool amusing.
Did you think we would?
10) Why no, we don't find damage to public or private property amusing.
Did you think we would?
11) The nice people in the red shirts are just like the animals you see
at the zoo. They very much enjoy having things hurled at them,
being taunted by immature wannabes, poked with sharp sticks, and
fed questionable substances. With any luck, their reaction will
be similar as well. Be sure to climb over the railing to get
closer to them.
12) Before testing truth #11, please inform those of us in the bar.
We like to watch.
13) If you're between someone carrying something heavy and the point
of in/egress they're trying to reach, you deserve what you get.
14) Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Mojo.
15) No, trust us, you really *don't* want to know what Pete wears
under that kilt. No, sporrans aren't supposed to vibrate like
that.
16) For the love of all that's good and decent in the world, STAY
AWAY FROM ME UNTIL YOU'VE MASTERED BASIC HYGEINE SKILLS! This
includes an intimate relationship with soap, water, scrubbing
implements, toothpaste, and mouthwash. It does NOT include
cologne, perfume, aftershave, or eau de toilette. "Moderation"
is a skill many of you lack, and until you've achieved a mastery
of moderation, you'd best avoid any artificial scents. Here's
a free clue: If you can still smell it 15 seconds after you've
put it on, you're wearing too damned much. And no, we're not
impressed that you managed to scrape together $40 for a bottle
of the latest shoe-manufacturer-flogged scent. Wearing quadruple
the legal limit is not a demonstration of your supposed wealth,
either. Piss off.
17) While you're under the influence, you're neither funny, sexy,
witty, nor cool. Please stop insisting that you are. You're
ruining a perfectly good drink for the rest of us.
18) You are not your [ clothes | hairstyle ]. Run along, you sad
little long-pig.
19) We're all very amused that you can crash the [ wireless access
point | switch | router ] being used to provide everyone with
network access. Now piss off.
20) If you absolutely insist on using the word "bitch" in conversation,
it has only one syllable, and it's generally considered bad form
to apply it to those with whom you've deluded yourself into
thinking you have a chance with.
© 1998-2005 Reeza.com
in association with
Ink Works
