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	©	Last Update:
	28 Dec 2002

See Hippyman's post that inspired this.

From: snit
Date: Mon, 03 Apr 2000 15:51:54 -0400

here is a pulp collective response to hippyman's Hunting Wild College Girls.  

It's a Good Thing:  The Joy of Dumb Sticks
Identifying, Selecting and Menu Planning 

Dumb Sticks are, well, exceedingly  dumb.  They do, however, come in a
variety of shapes and sizes, all of which can be pleasing in their own
unique way.  We think it best to sample the variety and experiment with
those that suit your favoured cooking methods: roasting, flame-broiling,
pan-frying, grilling, shish-ka-bobbing, baking, steaming, boiling, smoking,
flash-flaming, sauteeing, etc.  Fondue is reserved for the most experienced
of cooks and the more adventurous of Dumb Stick varieties.

Dumb Sticks should almost always be cooked.  Only a few rare specimens can
be eaten raw.   If you happen upon this delicacy, you will find they are
always tasty and sweet because the bulk of their diet is devoted to
seafood.   You may eat them uncooked as frequently as you like.  Reward
them, fatten them, encourage efforts at evolutionary advancement through
selective reproduction.  This rare variety of DumbStick deserves no less
than your Goddess-like devotions.

-Identifying Varieties-

With regard to average varieties do not let the appearance of
obsessive-compulsive grooming fool you:  typically they are not very clean,
despite all the preening.  It is best to engage in selection during the
day.  They are more tolerable when sunshine evaporates the copious amounts
of cologne lure they douse themselves with in vain efforts to attract Wild
College Girls.  

They tend to use flashy, visual lures designed to distract you from their
less than grade A quality.  These visual lures are known as Dumb Sticks on
Wheels (DSoWs).  Most Dumb Sticks possess at least one DSoW, but certain
varieties spend  exorbitant sums of cash and time on two or more DSoWs.
Those who spend far more than reasonable, often do so in an effort to make
themselves seem younger or older than they are.

The younger of the species often combine excessive amounts of bad cologne
and DSoWs, generally dirt bikes or street bikes.  They often need of a
great deal of training, though preparation is a snap.  Make trips into
their habitat for two reasons only:  1] when you inexplicably crave cheap
entertainment or 2] when you are feeling generous and wish to guide them
through the rituals of DumbStickHood.  If you are in your twenties, avoid
the ones who drive DSoWs known as crotch rockets; if you are over thirty,
however, this can be, shall we say, an experience.

More mature varieties frequently engage in highly ritualized behaviours in
order to attract Wild College Girls with the shiny lure of a frequently
waxed and polished Dumb Stick on Wheels.  Two important caveats:   First,
avoid at all costs any DumbStick that purchases a product known as Tire
Wet.  Second, those who purchase  DSoW-related products advertised on
Infomercials are generally brain dead. 

Our favorite variety of DSoW-junkie are those that prefer scented lures
associated with DSoW maintenance.  motor oil, engine grease, crank case
sludge, radiator fluid, ArmourAll, fuel additives, bug and tar remover,
transmission fluid.  These Dumb Stucks are often talented as well as
decorative.  Most will happily change your oil, many will mow your lawn and
in chillier climates they are very good at shoveling your driveway.  The
bonus is that they are also often in possession of rippling, taut torsos;
their thighs and butt well-toned from the effort expended on DSoW repair
and maintenance.

However, other types of DSoW-junkies have distinct disadvantages.  Those
who cannot refrain from incessant talk of DSoW care and maintenance need to
be tenderized mechanically.  You cannot rely on chemical substances to
tenderize.  You may try a natural approach if the Dumb Stick is of the
"granola crunch" variety which prefer DSoWs such as old Volvos, VW Beetles
and vans:  we recommend rubbing them with the juice of kiwi or papaya
fruit.  For the rest,  you must use a quality meat tenderizer mallet
available only at restaurant supply stores. 

-Dumbtraq Alert:  Alpha Geeks-

A new variety of Dumb Stick has emerged during the last decades of the 20th
century.  They are a peculiar variety, easily recognized by their
fluorescent pallor.  They congregate near cathode ray tubes, LED screens,
and pay phone banks. You can find them at Phillipe's after the 2600 meeting.

If you are interested in this strain, one specialist among us suggests
great care be taken to avoid disrupting social mores: the wrong move, like
chewing with your mouth closed, will usually unleash their more odious and
odoriferous performances. Lures and calls that include useless trivia and
offers of a floor to sleep on work with most.

The elder of the species has spent so much time with Doom, X-Men, and .html
that higher-thinking faculties deteriorated. Simply offer a freshly charged
Palm Pilot.  For more difficult cases ask "Wanna see my DSL?"  Avoid the
younger of the species, known as web-monkeys; they will only steal your
code, break your espresso machine, and run up the phone bill.

-Selection Tips-

Grade A quality Dumb Stick are well rounded, a bit shy and seasoned enough
that they can be cooked so as to produce their own tasty au jus
accompaniment.  

The one you select should be devoid of excessive drink and speech . Should
the one you are considering consume massive quantities of any liquid, it
should be abandoned immediately.  It will only leak later anyway.  

If you are really interested in a particular variety, then you should
appraise it further.  We advise that you avoid conversation during this
process. If this is impossible, then invest in duct tape.  We strongly
recommend, however, that, eventually, your best bet is to invest in an
array of implements appropriate for the masochistic theater of courtly
love; it is more entertaining that way.

Any Dumb Stick that appears simultaneously entertaining, interesting, and
capable of intelligent conversation is malevolent.  Use at  your own risk.

A Dumb Stick who sees their reflection in the mirror will often forget the
limits of their bank account.   

Dumb Sticks like to play hunting games.  Bring chef's scissors.  This will
likely scare off some, but others will persist.  Follow the ones that have
been scared off; they like to be flattered.  

If Dumb topics come up, ignore or ridicule them.  After all, this is about
you, not them.   Some might catch on to this.  Therefore, be wary of those
who cater to your interests exclusively:  they are generally toxic.  Some
will even go so far as to pretend that they  are not interested in Dumb
things.  While they are generally lying, take them at their word, for this
is all to be expected.  Your best bet is to experiment with the particular
perversions that match your own.

If a Dumb Stick appears to be hanging on, determine, by whatever means
necessary, the last book that they've read.  A literate Dumb Stick is
always an advantage, since it should be expected that they will read to
you.  If they only like Blockbuster Hollywood movies, forget it.

Dumb Sticks travel in groups and, as such, they will always try to perform.
  If you are interested in Wagnerian performances, then hang out and
observe for awhile.  Such performances, however, tend to lack quality.
Nice to watch, but when alone for preparation or meal they are painfully
insipid.  

-Appraising Further-

Consider the following questions or topics:

If their favourite show is X-files or King of the Hill, this may indicate
possibilities.  

With regard to the last book they have read, find out the protagonist's
name and then move on.

If they like to watch hockey, baseball, soccer, football or basketball,
this should present no problems. They can be delightful, but you know your
desires best.

If they like to watch wrestling, then proceed with caution.  Test further
by asking them to describe their favourite wrestler.

When talking about the previous weekend,  if you learn it was exciting,
move on immediately.  Dumb Sticks that have fun all the time are boring.

Ask questions about their favourite food if you have not already determined
that they dine almost exclusively on seafood:

If it is meat and potatoes, then this might indicate a narcissistic
personality.
If they are vegetarians, this often indicates an extreme sadism.
If they prefer finger foods, this likely means they are shy but self-involved.
If they frequently eat soup, this sometimes indicates mild paranoia.

If the Dumb Stick actually entertains all of these questions, or mirrors them 
back to you, then the Dumb Stick is hopeless.  Anyone who would actually 
tolerate such triviality without moving on to something more interesting is 
obviously an not worth the effort. 


A multi-national message brought to you by jouissance underground: 
Michyfite -- Snit -- kgm -- Cstarr --- Cinder 



From: greg reynolds

Reminds me (true story) of the time a group of us were out
partying with a client in Canada. A female Cisco SE from France won a
plush stuffed animal as a door prize. She came back to the table proudly
displaying her cuddly new friend and asked, "Would you like to pet my
beaver?" Couldn't understand why the rest of us cracked up. <grin"



From: snit

huh.  i'm afraid this is the reason why y'all are dumb sticks--cause you
think she didn't know what she was doing.

heh.

snit